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[10 Feb 2007|05:16pm] |
So I am having a "bad day". '
I hate these days the most because I feel like I have no control over my thoughts and emotions.
I despreatly want help but I am too afriad to try to talk to anyone about because I feel that no one can understand why I feel this way.
When I was told that I had depression I never thought that I wouldn't be able to control myself..
But Over this last year I feel that I have gotten worse then when I was diagnosed.
I can barely get out of bed today, and I don't know why.
All last night I kept waking up and I found myself to be extrememly uncomfortable and aggressive.
When I finally got out of bed, at one, I was still very upset and irratated for some reason.
I seriously am pissed and I don't know why.
I have been rude to just about every person that I have talked to this morning, and I feel horrible because I know that I have absolutely no reason to act like a child.
My ulcer hurts like hell and I serioulsy think that something is wrong with me other then this emtional gayness.
I want to be around friends but I'm so aggitated I know that my attitude will effect the way I act.
I just wish that I could be normal Colleen again and not this horrorific person that I am becoming.
My head feels like there are two people in it arguing and worrying about all the things that need to be taken care of.
I try to sit still and stay out of bed so I don't fall into this hole but I feel so comfortable at the same time.
I don't want to keep feeling bad for myself but I know that I need help. Or I'm not going to exsist anymore.
God please give me the strength to carry on as a productive HAPPY person. And help to heal the pain that I cannot seem to understand and move on from.
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[22 Apr 2006|11:56pm] |
It all happened so fast. The one I loved hurt me. I can't seem to get any of these problems fixed. I wanna curl up an cry. Why? Why alll the shit? Haven't I been through enough. It will never end. My pain and struggle to live is wearing me thin. THe edge is coming and I just wanted to say that I love you all. Heather you are always in my heart and if I leave don't forget how wonderful you are.
Love always and forever Colleen
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| since i have nothing better to do i'm taking this from my lover chelsea |
[14 Feb 2005|05:52pm] |
Instructions: Write 20 statements
Intended to different people
Never tell which one is who
1.i hate the fact your so stuck on someone who treats you like shit
2.i don't know what to do with you
3.i'm always an open ear when you need to talk about how fucked up people are to you.
4.your daily phone calls to make sure i'm okay make my life a little easier to knwo you care.
5.stop drinking yourself to death, your kids love you.
6.i'm jealous of the other love in your life. sometimes i think you love it more.
7.you don't know the impact you have on people.
8.i miss sitting and just talking all night long with our occassional smokes.
9.life is a bitch, get over it
10.your the biggest nred but a great friend
11.i hate you and i'm hella cool attitude, because your not.
12 i only read what you have to say and wish that we could be better friends
13.you've helped me through this more then almost anyone
14.i don't like the way you treat her.
15.you've been the only good guy for her and i'm glad she loves you.
16.i really don't like you, i hate how you have corrupted him, and the rest of the "fans" you have, your not that fucking great, get over yourself. P.s your hella ugly.
17.music is not your life
18.stop being a bitch, i love you though.
19.SCENESTER TO THE MAX. everyone knows it.
20.just admit your a slut now and that you talk about yourself to much before someone crushes your heart by telling you the truth for once.
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| cough a'choo |
[14 Feb 2005|05:19pm] |
so bitches, life is shitty. i still have like no friends and this god damn shift button doesn't work. i really need to find a room to rent and all i have come across is weridos. any help would be fucking great. i'm visiting the 27th through the 6th, to anyone who cares anymore. and after that i will hopefully be moving back for good and not having to worry about all this bullshit. i just want to worry about paying rent and going to work and school. i have truely found friends that i'm keeping and thats like three or four. if you would like to be the lucky few talk to me write me make me feel like someone cares, because basically like no one does. it seems as through this way of feeling i have is going around to quite a few of you. come one bitch to me complain, explain why you think life is so shitty. i want to know. it might help me be grateful for the life i'm living now, because i guess it could always be worse. so fuck you kids who got everything they wanted their whole life and fuck those kids who take their parents and everything they have for granted because honeslty would you like to be doing what i'm doing? if so we can trade and see how you like it.
kisses.
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[27 Dec 2004|02:00pm] |
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In every loss you can always find a victory.
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[13 Dec 2004|01:49pm] |
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My Birthday is tomorrow bithes...... Who loves me?
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| She is worth everything to me. |
[12 Dec 2004|03:41pm] |
Sometimes I sit and think about what I would have done if you weren't in my life. I tried to invision myself going through it all alone and I couldn't. I can't see you not being with me all the time or being able to hang out with you whenever I want. I have to say that I'm still in shock. Even though a month has passed I still can't believe this. I should be able to realize that I am strong and don't always need you there, but honestly I do.
I read an entry in where you stated:
On friday my other half comes home to me.
Everyone on my friends list who has met Colleen can understand why I'm so excited. Because everyone knows what it's like to have her around. Everyone loves her.
But not near as much as I do.
Imagine how hard it is for me for her to be away. I've had her around for seven years of my life.
but she'll be home soon and that's all that matters.
The nice little things you say about me mean more then what ALOT of people say. I have always looked up to you. I have always thought of you to be a certain destiny for me. Fate brought you to me to teach more then most can learn in our time spent. I want you to be able to understand what a beautiful person you are. I hate knowing how you really feel about yourself. I see through your facades because you let me. I don't take that for granted. I wanna yell to you about how much you mean to me and how special you are. This won't even begin to explain it but I figure the tip of the ice burge will work for now. So remember you have someone that loves you more then I love anyone else. I really mean it too.
♥ B
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[07 Nov 2004|02:03pm] |
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This is to all my friends who stuck by me when I was at my worst. To the friends who watched my mom beat me up emotionally and physically. This is to the friends that cheered me on, hekd my hand, and constantly told me they loved me. I will never fucking forget that. I will never leave you guys either. I swear I will be back. Take care of each other and never loose the wonrderful qualities I see in each of you. I love you all and thank you so much for being my family.
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[10 Oct 2004|09:55am] |
This is the last one I will let you read and then your done. I know you still do, trying slyly to find something incriminating on me. Alas you won't, because I do nothing incriminating. I pitty you and your two faced lifestyle with a man you love more then your children. Is "love" worth losing everything over? I guess that since your so caught up in your narcisistic ways. will you ever become an adult and leave your dream of living life through my childhood while I slowly age from the responsiblilty you dumped upon me. I was and will be a better mother then you ever could be. I'm BETTER then you. Find God, or something to believe in because maybe once you find that you can finally stop relying on a man just because he has money. I know you better then you think. I see past the "woah is me act." Oh no I'm a single mother that has it so rough because it's not like anyone else went through the same thing I did. People loose children, people die. Stop using their death as a reason to get sympathy. You always told me to leave the drama and emotion out of things but you know what? You were the one always brining that crap back in. So figure out what love really is and maybe one day my compassion for sick old pathetic women will return and we can talk. But untill then please stay out of my life and I'll stay out of your's. Thats what you wanted right?
Kisses
Love,B
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[06 Oct 2004|10:22pm] |
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I have begun to live my life. I am begining to find the person I am without having to worry about what other people are going to think about it. I am finally going to be selfish and I like that idea. I'm FINALLY going to be Colleen.
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[04 Oct 2004|01:11pm] |
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So you wanna play games like this. I suggest you grow up. I'm DONE playing this little who controls who game. I pray that one day you realize how much you screwed up Aryn and Connor. It's hard for me to watch them go through this. It's YOUR fault, not mine. Stop trying to find a way out of this. I'm not your scapegoat. You caused it not me. I'm doing greater then I have ever done in my life. I finally know what it's like to have someone LOVE me. They actually care about me. I don't have to raise YOUR kids or there kids. I can finally be me and not worry about whether or not your drinking to much or even driving under the influence. I don't have to worry every night about how Aryn or Connor will grow emotionally. I know that since your not in there life anymore they will be fine. They will grow up normal, and have a family that acutally cares about them. All you ever wanted was some man to love you, all you ever got was three kids that would do anything for you. You lost that now and I hope that every night you hurt and ache because of the life you gave me. I'm so happy without you. I never wanna look at you, think of you, or talk about you ever again in my life. And you know the great part about that? I DON'T HAVE TO!!! I hope one day you realize the best people in your life are gone. And how happy I am without you.
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| I never wanted more then this. |
[27 Sep 2004|06:14pm] |
These entries are from when I was with my dad a few weekends ago and when I was in the recieving home. I put them in here for my own sick pleasure. If you want to know how I was feeling or maybe get a better grasp of what I was going through then read them but if not then don't. I want to thank all my friends, my REAL family who would do anything for me. You all know who you are and I love you with everything I have. I'm forever indebted to you.
( moms are there for you no matter what. )
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[23 Sep 2004|09:38pm] |
Rough days made for strong people. I am slowly thinking I don't count as one of them.
I spent five hours in the hospital due to my sister. I am afraid to lose my mind and my bliss in the next few days. God save me.
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[21 Sep 2004|12:49pm] |
Hey kids. I love everyone of my friends more then god could ever know. Here is the 101 on my life right now if you care to know.
HALEY WILL PAY FOR EVERYTHING SHE EVER FUCKING TOLD MY MOM. I WILL KICK HER ASS FOR THIS. HALEY IF YOU READ THIS STAY AWAY FROM ME OR I WILL GET REVENGE ON YOU! YOUR REPUTATION IF FUCKED. I'M GOING TO MAKE IT SO YOU CAN NEVER SHOW YOUR FUCKING FACE IN ELK GROVE EVER AGAIN.
My mom is making me get a drug test, and go to the gyno so I can prove I'm not sexually active. If you want to no more then come downtown saturday. My foster parents are hella cool and allowing me to go. So I will be there around the morining time to I dont know when but I need friends right now. I've never been so depressed in my life. I thought getting away from my mom would make it better but now she is trying to ruin whatever happiness I come in touch with.
I love you all
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[15 Sep 2004|09:33pm] |
So I'm sure all of you know by now that Colleen, right now, is in a receiving home.
But she wants me to tell you why.
Her whole live, Colleen has been older than she is. Since she was little, she has taken care of her little brother and sister.
See, the woman, who should have been responsible for all of this, was always too inbrehaited to take care of HER own children.
I've watched this since fourth grade. I've SEEN with my own eyes, her mother get violently drunk, hit her children, her significant other. I have gotten many phone calls in the night from a scared and hurt, and crying Colleen. I've watched with a broken heart, my bestfriend, my other half, get worn down by her irresponsible and drunk mother.
For a while, her mother sobered up. And things were alright. But then my uncle got sick, and Denise volunteered to take care of him. When his cancer grew fatal, she stayed at his house and took care of him. And when he finally put a gun to his head to stop his own misery, denise was the one to find him.
After that, she picked up the bottle again. This time, drinking and driving, verbally assaulting Colleen. Breaking a promise she had made to her, she forced Colleen to switch highschools, leaving me without my other half. It was extremely hard on the both of us.
As her drinking got heavier and heavier, she started getting meaner and meaner.
She would completely run Colleen into the ground, make her feel like complete shit. Soon her boyfriend started drinking and joining in. Colleen was their scapegoat. Me and Colleen had been talking about her just moving out and living with me, since she basically did on the weekends.
And then, without very much suprise, her mother tried to take her away from me, too. Claiming that Colleen grew "hostile" when she came back from Sacramento, that my mother gave us too much freedom.
Her mother is barely sober enough to have feelings. She's too drunk to realize the things she says to her own DAUGHTER, are killing her.
Well, as of a few nights ago, Colleen refused to go home because her mother was intoxicated (suprise surpise) and was trying to start a fight with her. I sat, and listened to the phone conversation. I watched her BEG her mom to stop making her feel like shit, that it was killing her.
and her mom didn't care.
when she finally did return home that weekend, her mothers boyfriend hit her. In the face. For no reason.
A grown man, not even her step father, laid a FUCKING hand on her.
Since then, her mother was arrested for being habitually drunk in front of her children and child neglect.
Hence, why Colleen is in a recieving home.
But theres more now. Her mom has found her livejournal, and has been reading her private enteries. So I'm here, to tell her a few things, from both Colleen and me.
How dare you even call yourself a fucking mother. You are the most selfish, uncaring, waste of human being I have ever met. You can't even sober up enough to look around and realize what a great kid you have. What great KIDS you have. I get sick when you are even brought up to me, and it kills me everytime you look at me, makes me sick.
Life isn't all about you, and it's sad that a sixteen year old girl has had to take on your responsibilities because you can't put down the beer bottle for just a few fucking days.
And now, you let a man put his hands on her for doing nothing. NOTHING but try to escape the shit that you fucking put her through. I can say, that without a doubt, you are one of the worst parents in history.
You want to know why Colleen comes back from my house "hostile"? Because my mother treats her like a human being, like her own daughter. And then Colleen has to go back to you, and your hateful words and your embarressing drunkness.
Well guess what. I will fight to my fucking death to see that she never has to live with you again. Because I'd rather die than see Colleen hurting the way she does when she is home. I bet you don't care, as long as you don't have a bad image. My family cares and loves more for Colleen than you will ever even know.
so that's all I have to say at the moment, but Colleen also left you a little message
"mom, you are a fucking cunt"
Toodaloo
Heather
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| Apologies can fix everything with me...sometimes. |
[06 Sep 2004|04:02am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Taking Back Sunday |
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I never made it at trying to be a slut, or a hooker.
I love having talks with my boyfriend about my appreciation for certain "things". I'm to fucking awesome.
My mom apologized for EVERYTHING. Our relationship will hopefully become tons better.
I talk alot of shit but have enough information to back it up. If you don't like it then fuck off.
My weekend :
* Friday: Reading at Borders with my little Asian Thunda and Drew.
Josiah trying to help me fool my parental, and not succeeding. But it was worth it.
Hanging out with cool people, AKA James, Drew, Josiah, and Kelsey.
Not sleeping, but only because I was too busy kicking Drew's ass at wrestling. I RULE.
* Saturday: Baby sitting, and then having a breakthrough with my mom. ♥
* Sunday: Visting my great grandma and shopping.
Hanging out with more cool people. AKA Jackie, Drew, Josiah, James, Heather(DUH), Vince, Tom (for a short time), Kim, and Gookie.
I'm full filled and ready for school. =/ kinda.
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[11 Aug 2004|06:30pm] |
I want to sit and cry. I have been a total bitch all day long. I can't seem to get happy. I don't want to be happy. I want to sleep all day and not go out at all this weekend. I don't want people to talk to me, I don't want to here about how hard life is for them. I want to be vain and unsocial.
But then I don't. It's never been so hard to keep something I want on a constant basis. Happiness.
I painted my room in search for an inkling of contentment.
I couldn't find it.
I want you to hold me and tell me it's okay, that you love me, and please... never let go
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[21 Jul 2004|11:24pm] |
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| So many friends are missing |
[20 Jul 2004|06:44pm] |
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mood |
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 only you |
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music |
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Denali-Relief |
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I woke up not wanting to do anything at all. Just wanting to lay in bed and finish my two days of lazziness. I can honestly say the only reason I got up was because Haley told me she would bring me some pills. Naprisen at that. It's not like codine where after you come down from the high you ache, naprisen was my best friend for a while, along with hydro-codine, valume, and my ocassional unkonwn pill from Amanda. I only take any of these now if I'm in so much pain. But every once in a while I wanna call up Frank or Amanda and be like "Yo nigga what do you have today?" I'm so glad I don't. I was thinking maybe I should just start smoking the Mary-Jane again. But then I hate the way it makes me feel. I'm done with that shit. But I will admit if Heather was ever like bitch were smokin a bowl I would all up for it. And the only reason that is is because that doesn't happen often and I don't get annoyed with her.
I haven't drank in a long time and I'm really proud of that. Bryan is having a party for his birthday and he told me to come so I can get "crunked". Haha I love that guy. But I don't think that I will be going. First I live right across the street from him so if I came home drunk I think I would be in a little bit of trouble, two, wow all I have to do is look at my mother and that is enough reason not to drink.
I start working for my Aunt on the 21. It's Satrudays 8:00 to 1:00. I get paid $75 to $100 dollars a month. Atleast I will be able to pay my phone bill, and get some other shit. I can't wait.
My head is throbbing and I want more Naprisen.
( maybe a surprise will come. )
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| Does he, ever get the girl? |
[19 Jul 2004|11:53pm] |
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 lay lay good |
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Dashoboard Confessional-The ruined puzzle |
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Go to hell with your pretty face.
This applies to anyone who does have a pretty face.
Is it wrong for me to feel uncomfortable in my own home? Today I was sitting on the couch watching T.V and for some reason I just felt utterly uncomfortable sitting there with everyone in the house knowing about it. I then proceeded to walk into my kitchen to look for something to drink and my brother walked ina dn I had to walk out. So I just went up to my room and fell asleep.
I have been having those god damn nightmares again. It seems that in everyone I have had so far, I'm either pregnant or I have a baby with me. I'ts not neccesarily mine either. This last one consisted of me going to war. It was the civil war,lucky me. I left someone back home with a baby. I woke up after I got shot in the stomach because I could feel it. Then lucky me I ended up with the worst cramps ever!
I wonder if the only reason my mom had me was because I was an easy scapegoat for her to be able to throw away the pain of losing a child. I also think that she still has feelings for my dad, but will never admit it. She is using me for a reason to loved. Even though she doesn't need to.
I miss my sister. She has been gone all day and probably wont be back untill wednesday. I want more friends out here. I want a job and someone to take the retractable leash off me. A.k.a my mom. I want to grow up from being 12. Today she asked me if I could handle closing all the windows before I went to bed. Implying that I'm not responsible enough to do it. Then she questioned my ability to keep up my hygene. If I don't want to take a shower because I can't move out of pain, then that sir it's my problem. The she told me that I need to stop using my period as an excuss to be lazy. The onyl reason I wont commit suicide is because of a few people I love and my mother. She would get so much pleasure out of it. I wont allow that.
it's 12:08 and I want a ciggerette and a friend. I want to stay up all night talking about everything and everyone. Why did my sister have to get friends?
I wanna go there.
I have dibbs on Drew. <3
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